I woke up and jumped in the shower to get ready for church and while shampooing my hair I just had this sort of revelation about my "career"* and what my next step should be. I immediately went online to look at graduate programs again, which unintentionally led to a flood of emotions, which eventually led to a flood of tears.
Needless to say, we didn't make it to church. I went over to my mom's house to talk to her about all of my thoughts and fears and frustrations about what my next step should be and the crazy thing is that as soon as I started to talk with her about it she revealed to me that, instead of making a new year's resolution, she decided she would commit to praying everyday that the Lord would give me direction and open a door for me to walk through... And of course that I would walk through that door. And also that I would let go of the pent up anger inside of me that I didn't know I had until recently.
That turned into a 3 hour discussion about my future and about this year and how incredibly amazing it was for the first half and how incredibly painful the latter half turned out to be. I'm looking back at 2010 and realizing that this year was supposed to be the happiest year of my life, and though it started off that way, it then turned into one of the most jolting, confusing and unhappiest years for my family.
I can't let someone else's life and deeds impact my well-being/happiness/peace (even though the said person is dead), but I am.
I didn't realize that all these years of bitterness and anger were bottling up and collecting inside of me and now that that bottle has burst open, I'm directing my anger and frustration at anything and everyone I can (especially myself) because I have no where else to put it. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to let a dead man bring me down or kill the most important relationships I have.
I must rise above this.
Unfortunately at this point I don't know where to begin, other than to just seek therapy**.
And also to just dive myself into a new chapter of my life and "career".
After talking about it and after all of these months of prayer and mulling over my next move that has been paralyzing me from moving in a direction, I feel I've finally realized what it is I'm supposed to do, what God wants me to pursue. Even if it doesn't work out, I know right now that I've got to at least pursue and seek it out. For the past 3 months I've been so unsure about what I was supposed to be preparing for. I've been so on the fence about it and then this morning I just realized with such certainty, what to do.
It's so strange to be fervently praying for so long that God would just give me an answer (remember this post?), that he would help me know FOR SURE that our desires are colliding and running parallel with each other and now that I'm feeling that certainty, I'm realizing it was right in front of me this whole time.
I guess God was just waiting for me to wake up and open my stubborn eyes.
Today I believe God opened a door for me with an epiphany that started on this random Sunday morning while shampooing my hair in the shower.
All I have to do now is just step through that door (or pull back that curtain) and hope that what I find on the other side is exactly what I've been searching and dreaming and praying and working for.
*I put career in quotations because at this point it's pretty much non-existent. I've spent the last 3 years sort of floundering and over-analyzing and procrastinating that I'm at a point where I just need to make a move to move on.
**I know many people who scoff at the idea of going to therapy. I whole-heartedly disagree with the opinion that it does no good to talk to someone about your struggles and/or saddness. I went through group therapy when my dad was sick and after he died and without that I would have definitely been worse off. I also sought counseling during my last year of college to help me through a really difficult situation and to figure out why I was so unhappy at the time, which eventually led me to repairing my unhealthy relationship with my mom. She and I are now very close and besides David, she's my best friend. If someone is not benefiting from therapy, they should try to see someone else, or change their perspective.
Jeremiah 29: 11-13
11 For I know the plans I have for you,”
declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
when you seek me with all your heart.
13 comments:
here's to a blessed 2011! Praying that God's will be done in your situation, as it will. If there's anything I learned in 2010, it's definitely to trust in God's power and His plans for us. :)
Andrea, I can relate to how you feel so much. It is so hard to be unsure of what to pursue or go after. I have learned that it is okay to try things out. God will make it clear if it is right or not. I personally believe that for most people, there are many ways to find fulfillment and be faithful to God (especially in terms of 'career'), unless of course He has given a specific command or calling. As long as He is receiving the glory and you are living in obedience, most times, we have a little freedom. This way of thinking has transformed the way I live my life.
Also, I do not think therapy is dumb. I actually wish more people would go to therapy!
I will be praying for you my friend!
good luck with your career journey. I can understand that it is a tough one. I have always felt lost in that aspect of my life, because I didn't really have a role model to learn from in this area. It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders and an awesome support system, I'm sure whatever path you choose to take will make you happy.
<3
Sweet Andrea -
You are an amazing woman and you are this person because of what you have battled to get this far in life. Its amazing how God works within us and how we grow from all the good and the bad things we go through on our paths to Gods will. He does have a plan for us and whether we like the path we are on - we must seek out God and be still and listen to His words of wisdom to hear Him. The bad things we have come through can only bring us down if we allow them to. Don't allow anyone to steal your JOY Andrea. You deserve to enjoy being married to a wonderful man and growing with one another. Therapy is a good thing in my book too - God knows where I would be without it when my mother was dying. Hold your head up high and smile sweetie.
Woah. I'll definitely be praying for you. God will lead you to that door...and he'll help you get through it. And trust me, I know that patience is hard in times like these......keep your chin up.
Thats kinda cool that you are able to just sit and talk to your mom about that! Many times in my life, overwhelming thoughts have come over me and I always turn to my mom too! Husbands are always there though also. :) I hope things go well for you this year!
Andrea that was well said. I pray that God leads and you follow o the place you want to be. I think you should be a writer personally I was almost hit by a forklift reading this. I couldn't put it down. God bless n good luck!
jen
So glad you have faith - praying that the right doors will be opened at the right time. xoxo
Jenn: Thank you so much. I think 2010 was the year that I really learned that, too. Best of luck to you too!
Erin: Thank you for your perspective on this. What you said is such a help and encouragement to me <3
Heather: Thank you! And I hope that someday soon you will find the path that was meant for you!
Kristie: You are amazing. Seriously, thank you so much for those words. It's hard to see the big picture sometimes and you reminded me to not look at this with blinders on <3
Kasey: Thank you so much for the prayers. I really appreciate them and if there's anything I can pray for you, let me know!
Diana: It wasn't always like that with me and my mom. It's only been in the last few years that I've felt the freedom to be honest and open with her and pretty much with anyone else. You're right about husbands being there too. Dave is an amazing listener and sometimes I don't deserve it!
Jen: Wow, thank you so much! My mom tells me I'm a great writer, but mom's are supposed to tell you you're good at something even if you're not, right? haha, so thank you for saying that, I'm so happy you think so!
PaisleyJade: I don't know what I'd do without my faith! and thank you so much for the prayers!
Andrea, my sweet friend. i was thinking to myself while sitting in Fusion.. Where are the Heffernan's? :)
i'm right there as well...
i can see my what my future looks like if i stay where i'm at, and that's fine, but something in me longs to be challenged, to be stretched and to put all my egg's in one basket and hope for the best.
i'm so glad you had the day to take time really diving into your soul and seeing what you were made for..
you deserve the best girl! <3
This is such a wonderful post. Very honest and open-hearted. There were several things that happened to me in my early 20's that made me question my purpose and faith, but things happened for a reason and God knew that reason. I prayed a lot during those times, but I too also sought out therapy. I believe 100 percent in it! It works and I even go back every once in awhile for a little fine tuning. I'll be praying for you as you set out on your new "career".
Kacie: ahhhhh I agree! it's the need to be challenged and stretched that i seek and find fulfillment in. wow you nailed that on the head! haha. <3
Adrian: Thank you so much for your prayers and your encouraging words, I sincerely appreciate them so much! If you ever need prayer for anything, let me know!
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