Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Overwhelmed

It takes almost all of me not to burst into tears these days. If it's not one thing, it's another. I avoid the internet and get lost in my book to run away from the stress of it all, and then when I do go online, it's an overload of emails and messages, and then I get bogged down by it all (Thank Heavens for those few days last week when my internet wasn't working). To a normal person, perhaps someone with a Type A personality, this would most likely be a piece of cake, but for me? Type B, panics when all eyes are on me, gets frustrated when the realization hits that multitasking is a giant struggle, etc. I kinda crumble. And if anyone knows me, they know how much of a procrastinator I am. 


What's the most frustrating part of said procrastination is that I hate that part of me. I think it is the single most annoying personality flaw of mine... to me, at least. And no matter what I do, I just can't escape it. I try so hard not to be, but it is so ingrained in my nature and I have given in to it most of my life that going against the grain is like struggling against the quick sand. Well, I'm being a little dramatic, buuut there are those little moments when that's exactly how it feels, and I sit on my bed, or in my car, somewhere safe and private, and I just fight the welling in my eyes that threatens to break and roll, rushing down my cheeks.


Three months. Everyone looks at me with a huge smile and eyebrows raised when they repeat those words, waiting for me to react as a slightly slower paced mirror and I kind of clench my teeth and get all tensed up. To any other person this translates as fear of marriage. On the contrary, I pretty much can't wait to tie the knot and just turn this page, but it's the impending clock, the doom and gloom of the deadline that sends me into panic mode as I think over and over about the fact that twelve weeks really isn't a very long time at all and that I have SO MUCH to do before then.


And then everyone wonders why I'm not jumping up and down with giddy school girl glee.


I'm complaining, and I shouldn't. I shouldn't because it's selfish and annoying and I just need to get over it. Like, now.
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