it's not all about me

you may have noticed that i haven't been around lately.

i don't exactly know what happened. i got swamped with the play i am currently associate directing, i've been spending a lot of time either being lazy and watching Friday Night Lights with David, or obsessing over my diet (surprise, surprise), thinking a lot about what the next few months holds for me and how absolutely terrified i'm trying to avoid becoming because of it & generally i have just been so unmotivated to blog.

there is one reason in particular that i won't discuss now. i started to write about it, but then it turned into a post that i felt deserves it's own time and attention.

another reason why i haven't blogged in a while is that i'm just lazy. i've been at a loss for things to talk about or post, so i just haven't.

i fully realize that not posting on a regular basis is death to a blog, which is why i'm sitting here right now, taking the time to just get back on it, hoping i haven't lost you (and yes, i mean you, the person taking the time out of his or her day to read this, to which i am so thankful). if you read my blog, you deserve better than this.

so i just wanted to fill you in on a little something interesting that happened to me today.

i woke up at 7am to begin my day, but before i crawled out of bed i scooped Bogart up into my arms to cuddle for 5 minutes... 2 and a half hours later i woke up frantically. i had fallen back asleep and the plans for my day immediately shifted. since i decided to start this semi-paleo diet this week, i couldn't eat my breakfast until i went to the grocery store for some eggs and i knew i'd be getting really hungry quickly.

after getting myself up, teeth brushed, hair... who am i kidding? clothes changed, shoes on, list composed and out the door to the nearest store (i wanted to go to Whole Foods, but had to settle for the local Albertson's down the street due to my impromptu morning nap), i spent the next hour filling my cart with fruits and veggies, proteins and healthy fats (no sugar, low carbs).

i strolled on over to the checkout, unloaded my cart and was up next when i realized that i had left my wallet at home. this never happens to me. never. i am always triple checking to make sure i've got everything before i leave the house. today i had to change my credit card on amazon so as to purchase a play that i am hoping contains my second monologue for my grad school auditions early next year... but that's a whole other story.

thankfully the man at the checkout was totally okay with me filling my cart back up and leaving it there so i could run home to retrieve my forgotten wallet. extremely irritated, i left the store, raced home and back. as i ran towards the sliding doors of the entrance, a homeless man (who was not there before i frantically left the store earlier) asked me for some change. running by him i shouted, "i might have some change on my way out." after waiting in line again, checking out and paying, i gathered about a buck fifty in change to hand off to the man waiting outside. 

immediately as i walked out through the sliding doors and handed the man his money he marveled at my full cart of groceries and said, "wow, that was fast! how did you get all of those and in line so quickly?"

i explained to him the situation while laughing at my stupidity, then as i went to leave he thanked me profusely and added quite a few "God bless you"s and "have a good day"s, to which i repeated back at him. as i unloaded my cart into my trunk and exited the parking lot i thought about what the man might do with the $1.50 in change i gave him. i resigned to thinking that even if the guy got some more cash and spent it on booze or anything else that might hurt more than help him, i should just let it go because the point isn't for me to worry about what he might spend it on, but to give out of compassion & sincerity and hope for the best. then after that thought passed an irritated one quickly took it's place as i got stopped at the long left hand turn lane light. i was annoyed. my day was kinda shot. sitting at this long line wasn't helping.

a few minutes into the line i looked up and saw the same man i had given a buck fifty to cross the street in front of me with a smile on his face and a can of nuts in his hand, popping them into his mouth and strolling along like it was a great day.

seeing that immediately made me thankful that i accidentally slept in, that i left my wallet at home, that i had to drive all the way home and back, that i had to wait in line all over again. if i hadn't then i wouldn't have seen that my measly change made a difference in this man's day. 

it's not about me. i almost didn't even post this because i'm honestly not trying to say, "oh look at me! i'm a great person! i gave some change to a hungry homeless man! i'm so awesome!!"

NO.

it's not like i bought this man an entire meal and told him how to find the nearest rescue mission, all i gave him was some change. i don't deserve some kind of award or star on my crown. it didn't change his life.

the reason i decided to share this is because i am so thankful that God has blessed me with so much more than i deserve. i am so thankful that he showed me that something so irritating to me can be turned into something that blesses someone else while blessing me at the same time. we never know why things happen the way they do and i may not have even seen the result of my tiny contribution and therefore not realized that God used what i viewed as a crappy beginning of my day to bless someone else. but i am thankful that He allowed me to see that. i am thankful that it's not all about me. if it were all about me, life would really blow.

most people would chalk this up to good luck or co-incidence, but i believe God used me in a tiny way, and i'm so glad He did.