Wednesday, August 8, 2012

miniature people.

i have to be honest and say that i haven't always liked kids... and they mostly have never really liked me. i think the lack of enthusiasm for children on my part has probably stemmed from a place of not really understanding them, or even having the ability to comprehend the joy of childhood in general. unfortunately for me, i was surrounded mostly by adults and teenagers in my childhood and never really had positive interactions with my peers when i was in their presence. and on top of that i didn't really have the happiest moments as a kid, or even had the chance to experience and love those genuine kid moments; the ones that apparently make you feel like nothing is better in the world but being a kid. i'm sure i did have a few, maybe even a lot of those moments, but i honestly don't remember many of them. (to put this in perspective, i'll give you a few of examples: i didn't learn to ride a bike until i was 18 and my first boyfriend taught me. i also never learned to do a cartwheel, or attempted to climb a tree, or ever enjoyed games like tag and hide & seek... yeah, i know).

i think that's why kids and life as a child has always perplexed me and given me a feeling of melancholy or just brought on painful memories that i'd rather stuff away. even when it comes to babies, i don't really know what to do. they're like these alien things that just kind of boggle my mind. however adorable and precious they may be, i always felt like an impostor when holding a newborn in my arms, as if the infant's mother may have momentarily lost her mind to trust me with the safety and well being of her offspring... i mean, i would never intentionally do anything to hurt said child, but i always felt a sense of dread whenever those times occurred, like i would somehow damage the baby just by holding it safely in my arms.

but in the last couple of years i have really tried hard to open myself up to trying to understand the wonderment and adventure of life as a youngster. i want to want to give birth and raise decent human beings, especially since i see so many kids who i just know will grow up to become terrible people (i'm sorry, i know that's very judgemental, but i really do worry for the future based on the behavior of the children i encounter on a daily basis... AND their parents). i want to be full of all the love and selflessness that a mother should possess, but often times i worry that it won't happen for me, which is a huge reason why i have always resisted the desire to procreate.

but i digress.

when i met David, a man i know would be an amazing father and the best person i've found to possibly partner with in raising good, solid people, i still was unsure of whether or not i was dead set on raising little ones. even up until the last few months i questioned it. but recently i have decided that i do want to  go through the whole thing. i don't know when, but i know it'll eventually happen. i've had countless conversations with mothers who tell me that "it's different with your own" and thankfully i've had the opportunity to become good friends with an amazing woman who i truly believe is single-handedly changing my views and (mis)conceptions about motherhood and raising truly good, decent, smart, well-mannered human beings. i honestly adore her little ones. God definitely put her in my path for many reasons and i'm realizing that this is one of them.

for now, though, i'm enjoying my life as a wife in our little family and we are taking the opportunity to appreciate our time together before our lives are turned upside down by kids. i don't even know for sure when that will be, but i do know one thing: i want my children to have joy and i want to give them every opportunity to create positive memories that will shape them into good, contented people. i want to have hope for the(ir) future.

and i also want them to have some style... duh.

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