Sunday, January 2, 2011

pull back that curtain



Today was just one of those days. 


I woke up and jumped in the shower to get ready for church and while shampooing my hair I just had this sort of revelation about my "career"* and what my next step should be. I immediately went online to look at graduate programs again, which unintentionally led to a flood of emotions, which eventually led to a flood of tears. 

Needless to say, we didn't make it to church. I went over to my mom's house to talk to her about all of my thoughts and fears and frustrations about what my next step should be and the crazy thing is that as soon as I started to talk with her about it she revealed to me that, instead of making a new year's resolution, she decided she would commit to praying everyday that the Lord would give me direction and open a door for me to walk through... And of course that I would walk through that door. And also that I would let go of the pent up anger inside of me that I didn't know I had until recently.

That turned into a 3 hour discussion about my future and about this year and how incredibly amazing it was for the first half and how incredibly painful the latter half turned out to be. I'm looking back at 2010 and realizing that this year was supposed to be the happiest year of my life, and though it started off that way, it then turned into one of the most jolting, confusing and unhappiest years for my family. 

I can't let someone else's life and deeds impact my well-being/happiness/peace (even though the said person is dead), but I am.

I didn't realize that all these years of bitterness and anger were bottling up and collecting inside of me and now that that bottle has burst open, I'm directing my anger and frustration at anything and everyone I can (especially myself) because I have no where else to put it. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to let a dead man bring me down or kill the most important relationships I have.

I must rise above this.

Unfortunately at this point I don't know where to begin, other than to just seek therapy**.

And also to just dive myself into a new chapter of my life and "career".

After talking about it and after all of these months of prayer and mulling over my next move that has been paralyzing me from moving in a direction, I feel I've finally realized what it is I'm supposed to do, what God wants me to pursue. Even if it doesn't work out, I know right now that I've got to at least pursue and seek it out. For the past 3 months I've been so unsure about what I was supposed to be preparing for. I've been so on the fence about it and then this morning I just realized with such certainty, what to do. 

It's so strange to be fervently praying for so long that God would just give me an answer (remember this post?), that he would help me know FOR SURE that our desires are colliding and running parallel with each other and now that I'm feeling that certainty, I'm realizing it was right in front of me this whole time.

I guess God was just waiting for me to wake up and open my stubborn eyes.

Today I believe God opened a door for me with an epiphany that started on this random Sunday morning while shampooing my hair in the shower.

All I have to do now is just step through that door (or pull back that curtain) and hope that what I find on the other side is exactly what I've been searching and dreaming and praying and working for.

*I put career in quotations because at this point it's pretty much non-existent. I've spent the last 3 years sort of floundering and over-analyzing and procrastinating that I'm at a point where I just need to make a move to move on.

**I know many people who scoff at the idea of going to therapy. I whole-heartedly disagree with the opinion that it does no good to talk to someone about your struggles and/or saddness. I went through group therapy when my dad was sick and after he died and without that I would have definitely been worse off. I also sought counseling during my last year of college to help me through a really difficult situation and to figure out why I was so unhappy at the time, which eventually led me to repairing my unhealthy relationship with my mom. She and I are now very close and besides David, she's my best friend. If someone is not benefiting from therapy, they should try to see someone else, or change their perspective. 

Jeremiah 29: 11-13

11 For I know the plans I have for you,”
 declares the Lord
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 
plans to give you hope and a future 
12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, 
and I will listen to you 
13 You will seek me and find me 
when you seek me with all your heart.
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