Honesty Time

Okay, so you know how I talked about editing the photos from the weekend(s) and getting some errands done and crossing off items on my to-do list(s) before posting about the weekend(s)?

Yeah, well, outlook not so good.

Honesty time: This week has been hard for me. I'm not sure if it's because I've just been really tired and getting things done around here has been monumentally more difficult than usual or if it's just that I've been easily distracted or if it's because I'm just lazy or what.

But, I'm having a hard week. Every morning I write my to-do list for the day and by the end of the day only half of it is crossed out. My house is a mess (thanks to the business of going away for two weekends in a row) and every time I clean it a little (i.e. dishes) I make dinner and the dishes just pile back up. I mean, even the little things like replying to an email or writing a thank you note or printing something out has become a huge chore to me.

Is it really (no, it's not) or am I making it huge in my head (most likely, yes)?

I kind of had a mini huge breakdown last night (let's just be honest). I mean, I cried like a baby. I got irritated at Dave for something that normally wouldn't bother me and my frustration had nothing to do with him and when I realized that I was taking it out on him and shouldn't have

I


BROKE


DOWN


and when I say broke down, I mean a lot of sobbing, snot flowing, having difficulty breathing, on the brink of a panic attack (I had my first panic attack soon after my grandfather died back in 2003 and ever since then if something traumatic or difficult comes up in my life, or even a highly stressful isolated incident, my panic attacks rear their ugly heads).

Fortunately I stopped myself before the panic could fully take over.

David was amazing. Not only did he calm down, but he helped me calm down, got me water, rubbed my back and prayed for me... and for him to be able to understand and have patience with my pain.

I'm normally a very private person and I don't let people know when things are rocky, but I'm realizing that when I need help, I need to ask. I need to talk about it. I need to get it out and not let it fester and bottle up.

Remember this post?

Well my pain and frustration and anger has certainly stemmed from that. There is a lot more that hasn't been talked about here that has to do with this very topic and even though it's not a secret anymore, I just haven't wanted to go there. I haven't wanted to talk about it.

I'm realizing, though, that I need to.

I making another long overdue appointment with one of the pastors at my church so we can talk about it. Last time I saw him he gave me an assignment that took me (literally) months to get to.

Can we say avoiding it much??

I basically had to write down how angry I am, where it's spilling out, how has it made me act/react, what is the hurt that underlies those responses and what is the unmet need or expectation underneath that.

Last night after I snapped at Dave unnecessarily and cried a little I started writing about the root of the problem and that's when I realized it. That's when the tears started flowing. That's when I figured out AGAIN that I'm focusing my anger and pain on totally unrelated situations.

And that I need to STOP.

I keep saying and believing that I don't want to keep giving the dead power, that I don't want to hold on to this bitterness, that I don't want to keep on hating, that I want to be able to forgive, but I just don't know how. I can forgive my "best friend" who had hurt me deeply over the course of a couple of years and doesn't even want to realize or apologize for it and probably never will. I can forgive my lifelong friend who betrayed me and my family and who said such evil and awful lies with such self-righteousness and arrogance. I can forgive the pain of my past and I can move on when it comes to all of that, but why can't I forgive this man? Why is it so difficult for me to even begin to think about how evil and deceitful he was to the core? Why is it so infinitely harder for me to let go of this? To let go of all the anger and hate I've subconsciously held in and harbored for over a decade?

Where do I begin? What's my first step?

After discussing all of this through my sobs and short breaths, and after David prayed for me and for him, I pulled myself together, blew my nose and started dinner.

After a few minutes Dave showed me something he found on his iPad Bible app and it said this:

"Not all anger is sin. In fact, you have the right to be angry about what God is angry about. It is called righteous anger. You have the right to be this way until the sun goes down. You will really need to search your heart to figure out the source of your anger. Whether you bottle up your anger or blow up with your anger, both forms are just as dangerous. You probably already know this, but misguided anger doesn't do any good for you or the people around you. It's time to let God replace your anger with love."

Romans 1:18 "For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hinder the truth in unrighteousness."

WHOA.

I mean, after that I just had no words. Why is this such a revelation? Why is this something that I couldn't wrap my mind around before?

I feel like everything that has been happening in the last couple of months has lead me to this point. All of the Bible passages, all of the messages at church, all of the Bible studies, all of the times that God spoke to me in one way or another leading me to open up more to the Holy Spirit. I need to just LET God. Allow him to work in me. Obviously I can't do it. Obviously I need help and I can't do it alone.

So...

Back to the errands and the messy house and the to-do lists that pile up. I think I figured out that in all of this I'm possibly dealing with some depression issues and that though the past two weekends have been amazing and relaxing and have really opened me up to these things, I'm exhausted.

I am physically and emotionally drained.

I am hoping that this weekend can be a time for me to just start to feel better. For our one year anniversary on the 13th, David and I are going to be spending a couple of nights at the Biltmore in LA where we got married. I am really looking forward to it. I think it'll be bittersweet to go back and remember the best day of our lives and remember the best parts of the last year. This year has been tough, it's been emotional and painful and heartbreaking, but I know that without David in my life and as my husband, it would have been unbearable.

I am so thankful that I have him. Though I really wish that all of the pain that this year brought wasn't the same year that Dave and I were married, I'm wondering if it was just meant to be. I'm thinking that God just knew that having all of the happiness of our wedding and our new marriage would help us get through this.

I don't know what the second year of our marriage will hold, but I'm hoping that no matter what it is, we'll grow even closer, that our bond will become even stronger.

Slideshow #3 & Blog Sprucing

If you are a regular follower/reader of my blog, you may have noticed that I have made some changes to my blog. I replaced the header photo with a new one, added some pages, a new background, and made things look a little cleaner. It bugged me how cluttered my blog looked, but I never took the time to do anything about it.

Turns out, this didn't take as much time as I thought it would (yippee!), and though I still haven't hired someone to design my blog for me, it was free to do and is now a little bit fancier than it was before, but not crazy/blow-your-mind/out-of-this-world/elaborate fanciness that it could be had I hired someone who actually knows what they are doing (because I don't really). I still plan to add another button for more variety, but that's taking a backseat since today we are leaving for a weekend couple's retreat with our Fusion group (so excited!)

I hope you like it, 'cause I really do (and so does David actually, HA!).

And now onto a very special slideshow: Paris.

I have been to Paris three times now (possibly making it four this summer, but that's still up in the air). I know this makes me super lucky. I don't take it for granted!

The first time I went was in high school through my French class where we also visited Holland & Germany.

The second time was in college with two girlfriends. We also toured Italy.

The third was on my honeymoon. I always knew that my ultimate dream trip to Paris would be on my honeymoon, so we made it happen. As you may already know, we started the trip in Ireland (view the slideshow here), made our way to London (slideshow here), then to Paris and lastly a tour of Italy.

When I was making these slideshows it was difficult for me to not play favorites and to avoid taking a little extra time with Ireland and Paris. As such they have become my favorite of the four slideshows. It's probably the music.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy a little trip to Paris... I know I did!

Per usual, please press play immediately followed by pause to let the video load a little before pressing play again to view. Thank you!

Honeymoon: Paris from Andrea Carpenter-Heffernan on Vimeo.
A video slideshow with music of my honeymoon in Paris with my husband, David.

Music by:

Édith Piaf
Christopher Gunning
Frédéric Foret
and
Yann Tiersen

pull back that curtain

Today was just one of those days. 

I woke up and jumped in the shower to get ready for church and while shampooing my hair I just had this sort of revelation about my "career"* and what my next step should be. I immediately went online to look at graduate programs again, which unintentionally led to a flood of emotions, which eventually led to a flood of tears. 

Needless to say, we didn't make it to church. I went over to my mom's house to talk to her about all of my thoughts and fears and frustrations about what my next step should be and the crazy thing is that as soon as I started to talk with her about it she revealed to me that, instead of making a new year's resolution, she decided she would commit to praying everyday that the Lord would give me direction and open a door for me to walk through... And of course that I would walk through that door. And also that I would let go of the pent up anger inside of me that I didn't know I had until recently.

That turned into a 3 hour discussion about my future and about this year and how incredibly amazing it was for the first half and how incredibly painful the latter half turned out to be. I'm looking back at 2010 and realizing that this year was supposed to be the happiest year of my life, and though it started off that way, it then turned into one of the most jolting, confusing and unhappiest years for my family. 

I can't let someone else's life and deeds impact my well-being/happiness/peace (even though the said person is dead), but I am.

I didn't realize that all these years of bitterness and anger were bottling up and collecting inside of me and now that that bottle has burst open, I'm directing my anger and frustration at anything and everyone I can (especially myself) because I have no where else to put it. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to let a dead man bring me down or kill the most important relationships I have.

I must rise above this.

Unfortunately at this point I don't know where to begin, other than to just seek therapy**.

And also to just dive myself into a new chapter of my life and "career".

After talking about it and after all of these months of prayer and mulling over my next move that has been paralyzing me from moving in a direction, I feel I've finally realized what it is I'm supposed to do, what God wants me to pursue. Even if it doesn't work out, I know right now that I've got to at least pursue and seek it out. For the past 3 months I've been so unsure about what I was supposed to be preparing for. I've been so on the fence about it and then this morning I just realized with such certainty, what to do. 

It's so strange to be fervently praying for so long that God would just give me an answer (remember this post?), that he would help me know FOR SURE that our desires are colliding and running parallel with each other and now that I'm feeling that certainty, I'm realizing it was right in front of me this whole time.

I guess God was just waiting for me to wake up and open my stubborn eyes.

Today I believe God opened a door for me with an epiphany that started on this random Sunday morning while shampooing my hair in the shower.

All I have to do now is just step through that door (or pull back that curtain) and hope that what I find on the other side is exactly what I've been searching and dreaming and praying and working for.

*I put career in quotations because at this point it's pretty much non-existent. I've spent the last 3 years sort of floundering and over-analyzing and procrastinating that I'm at a point where I just need to make a move to move on.

**I know many people who scoff at the idea of going to therapy. I whole-heartedly disagree with the opinion that it does no good to talk to someone about your struggles and/or saddness. I went through group therapy when my dad was sick and after he died and without that I would have definitely been worse off. I also sought counseling during my last year of college to help me through a really difficult situation and to figure out why I was so unhappy at the time, which eventually led me to repairing my unhealthy relationship with my mom. She and I are now very close and besides David, she's my best friend. If someone is not benefiting from therapy, they should try to see someone else, or change their perspective. 

Jeremiah 29: 11-13

11 For I know the plans I have for you,”

 declares the Lord, 

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future.  

12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, 

and I will listen to you.  

13 You will seek me and find me 

when you seek me with all your heart.

a look back at 2010

This year was unlike any other year in my life, for many reasons. Some of the events I look back on with extreme fondness and pleasure. Others, I try not to think on... but regardless of what happened this year, I cannot deny that this year was unforgettable for me.


Here is a look at my 2010


This year:

I turned 26

I married the most beautiful human being

my love

my David

Went on the most incredible honeymoon of a lifetime

(even if we spent all of our money to get there 

& I gained more weight than I care to admit, 

which I'm still struggling to lose, it was worth it)

Ireland

London

Paris

Italy

Met & fell madly in love with Alli

{she is an AMAZING friend}

Spent a wonderful last summer with & said goodbye to my MarMar<3

(she now resides in London with her love, Ben)

Watched my eldest niece, Savanna, turn 16!

(that was scary)

Said a final farewell to a dear, beloved lifelong friend

(we will always miss him)

He really does call me "Red" now

Went to Kyle & Jaymee's gorgeous Palm Springs wedding

Met the Hubs & my mom in Texas

LOVED being his Wifey

(and getting adorable notes like these)

Got to know some really awesome people at church 

{like Kacie!}

(and enjoyed times like these with them and will hopefully enjoy many more)

Saw the Judds' live!

(seriously, I was in awe of these women)

and had our very first Christmas as hubs and wifey in Manhattan

(and my very first White Christmas to boot!)

I also sent out our first Christmas post card

(I only had the time/budget for a limited amount to send out, so I'm sorry if you didn't get one!)

{We also couldn't decide which one we liked the best, so we made all three and sent them out randomly}

Instead of ringing in the New Year with friends and champagne (which was the plan), we are spending it here at home because I am feeling pretty sick/dizzy/exhausted. The composing of this entry is due mostly in part to the fact that I'm trying to keep myself awake until midnight.

But, I hope you all are doing something a lot more fun than just sitting at home, watching Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin and trying not to fall asleep.

Happy New Year everyone and I hope you all have a wonderful, exciting, safe and happy 2011!