Friday, March 18, 2011

a daunting admission




Today I said to David, "I just want to go to sleep and not wake up for a long time."
That's the most honest thing I've said all day.
I've been going back and forth on whether or not to write this post. I apologize in advance if what I write doesn't make sense or isn't linear, but just a farrago of words and phrases...
There are these wounds I've been carrying around for a very long time that keep opening up and bleeding. Over the years I've built up a pretty solid wall to protect myself from practically everyone in my life and even though some might be able to chip away at it here or there and even though I've grown softer as I've gotten older, it's still there. For months my emotions have been hovering right under the surface of my skin and it seems the slightest thing makes my eyes well with tears. I mean, even as I type this I am fighting the floodgates.
I've been telling myself that I'm not depressed and that it's just a rough patch for me and that it'll pass. Today I realized that I might've been in denial about that.
I stopped and thought about the last time I was depressed and the time before that and the time before that and so on and so forth...
I realized that even though not all of the feelings are exactly the same, they all stem from the same feeling of loss, rejection and loneliness. 
I thought to myself, what are the real signs of my depression?
1. Not wanting to get out of bed
2. Not wanting to get dressed, put together an outfit, put on makeup, do my hair
3. Wanting to just sleep and sleep and sleep
4. Mindless eating or not eating at all (that's a whole other post I've been avoiding writing which has fueled my current depressed state)
5. Body aches
6. Shutting down, isolating myself, not wanting to go out or socialize
And then I realized that I have felt at least 50% of that off and on for months.
Today I felt all of it. 
So it seems all signs point to: depressed. Awesome. Now I have to own up to it and stop pretending that it'll go away.
I know some of you may be thinking as you read this, "But you have your husband!" and you'd be right. I do have him and he has been amazing, especially since I started to open up to him about the real root of why I've been so on edge for so long. Every time he sees me sinking a little, he asks if I want him to pray for me and how can I say no? I want it. I need it. I need the Holy Spirit. I need him. David has been so understanding and so patient with me lately. I am so grateful for it and that I was able to finally open up and tell him everything that I haven't been able to articulate in so long.
I cleaned our spare room with my closet today. It was a crazy mess due to three weekends out of town and I finally tackled it and now it's spotless. I honestly don't know what motivated me to start that and to keep going. Maybe because I thought it would make me feel better if I did. Instead of feeling accomplished and like I had checked something off my long list, I felt nothing.
NOTHING.
I laid across the bed and closed my eyes for the third time today and when Dave saw me there, he curled up next to me and rubbed my back and whispered encouraging words to me. What did I ever do to deserve that patient, understanding love? I forced myself to think of how lucky I am to have him in my life because if I hadn't I would have just kept on feeling nothing.
The good news is that I am seeking help and guidance. I had my second session with one of the pastors at my church on Wednesday and we both discovered some of the reasons why I am feeling like this and what steps I can take to begin the healing and closure process. I'm really hopeful and thankful that I have the resources to get better.
And thank you to those of you who have expressed sincere concern and extended love and prayers. Hopefully I don't come across as feeling pity for myself or as though I'm trying to seek pity from others, in fact, it's quite the opposite. I appreciate genuine and sincere support and I know how hard it is to come by, so when I do receive it, my heart grows warmer. 
I have a couple of friends in particular who have extended such love and comfort to me (you know who you are!) and I am so grateful. One email I received was regarding my recent post I wrote here. In the email my friend said this:
You wrote, Where do I begin? What's my first step? This was my question for so long regarding how to fix things in my own life. It can be very overwhelming and so very easy to avoid taking it all on. The hardest part is figuring out how to fix something that seems so greatly broken... Nothing is unfixable! Like I said, our past never goes away but finding a peace and understanding that allows you to move on, makes all the difference. Finding true peace, not just glossing it over.
These words have been so encouraging and uplifting to me. Another dear friend has been so encouraging as well, even in the midst of going through something huge in her life as well. One snippet of what she said to me was also so wonderful to hear:
God will honor your efforts and totally bless you, even for trying.
I SO appreciate these words and those who speak them. Even those of you who have left genuinely heartfelt comments, I so appreciate you too!

In our Thursday night bible studies we've been going through the book of Revelation. Last night we sat outside by the fire pit and covered chapters 6 and 7 and there was a passage in chapter 7 that stood out to me. As I read it again today it brought me such a sense of comfort, but also of longing. Longing for the day when these wounds that we all carry around will be healed.

Revelation7: 13-17
Then one of the elders asked me, "These in white robes-who are they, and where did they come from?"
I answered, "Sir, you know."
And he said, "These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore,
they are before the throne of God
and serve him day and night in his temple;
and he who sits on the throne will 
spread his tent over them.
Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst.
The sun will not beat upon them,
nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne
will be their shepherd;
he will lead them to springs of living water.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."



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