Friday, March 18, 2011

a daunting admission




Today I said to David, "I just want to go to sleep and not wake up for a long time."
That's the most honest thing I've said all day.
I've been going back and forth on whether or not to write this post. I apologize in advance if what I write doesn't make sense or isn't linear, but just a farrago of words and phrases...
There are these wounds I've been carrying around for a very long time that keep opening up and bleeding. Over the years I've built up a pretty solid wall to protect myself from practically everyone in my life and even though some might be able to chip away at it here or there and even though I've grown softer as I've gotten older, it's still there. For months my emotions have been hovering right under the surface of my skin and it seems the slightest thing makes my eyes well with tears. I mean, even as I type this I am fighting the floodgates.
I've been telling myself that I'm not depressed and that it's just a rough patch for me and that it'll pass. Today I realized that I might've been in denial about that.
I stopped and thought about the last time I was depressed and the time before that and the time before that and so on and so forth...
I realized that even though not all of the feelings are exactly the same, they all stem from the same feeling of loss, rejection and loneliness. 
I thought to myself, what are the real signs of my depression?
1. Not wanting to get out of bed
2. Not wanting to get dressed, put together an outfit, put on makeup, do my hair
3. Wanting to just sleep and sleep and sleep
4. Mindless eating or not eating at all (that's a whole other post I've been avoiding writing which has fueled my current depressed state)
5. Body aches
6. Shutting down, isolating myself, not wanting to go out or socialize
And then I realized that I have felt at least 50% of that off and on for months.
Today I felt all of it. 
So it seems all signs point to: depressed. Awesome. Now I have to own up to it and stop pretending that it'll go away.
I know some of you may be thinking as you read this, "But you have your husband!" and you'd be right. I do have him and he has been amazing, especially since I started to open up to him about the real root of why I've been so on edge for so long. Every time he sees me sinking a little, he asks if I want him to pray for me and how can I say no? I want it. I need it. I need the Holy Spirit. I need him. David has been so understanding and so patient with me lately. I am so grateful for it and that I was able to finally open up and tell him everything that I haven't been able to articulate in so long.
I cleaned our spare room with my closet today. It was a crazy mess due to three weekends out of town and I finally tackled it and now it's spotless. I honestly don't know what motivated me to start that and to keep going. Maybe because I thought it would make me feel better if I did. Instead of feeling accomplished and like I had checked something off my long list, I felt nothing.
NOTHING.
I laid across the bed and closed my eyes for the third time today and when Dave saw me there, he curled up next to me and rubbed my back and whispered encouraging words to me. What did I ever do to deserve that patient, understanding love? I forced myself to think of how lucky I am to have him in my life because if I hadn't I would have just kept on feeling nothing.
The good news is that I am seeking help and guidance. I had my second session with one of the pastors at my church on Wednesday and we both discovered some of the reasons why I am feeling like this and what steps I can take to begin the healing and closure process. I'm really hopeful and thankful that I have the resources to get better.
And thank you to those of you who have expressed sincere concern and extended love and prayers. Hopefully I don't come across as feeling pity for myself or as though I'm trying to seek pity from others, in fact, it's quite the opposite. I appreciate genuine and sincere support and I know how hard it is to come by, so when I do receive it, my heart grows warmer. 
I have a couple of friends in particular who have extended such love and comfort to me (you know who you are!) and I am so grateful. One email I received was regarding my recent post I wrote here. In the email my friend said this:
You wrote, Where do I begin? What's my first step? This was my question for so long regarding how to fix things in my own life. It can be very overwhelming and so very easy to avoid taking it all on. The hardest part is figuring out how to fix something that seems so greatly broken... Nothing is unfixable! Like I said, our past never goes away but finding a peace and understanding that allows you to move on, makes all the difference. Finding true peace, not just glossing it over.
These words have been so encouraging and uplifting to me. Another dear friend has been so encouraging as well, even in the midst of going through something huge in her life as well. One snippet of what she said to me was also so wonderful to hear:
God will honor your efforts and totally bless you, even for trying.
I SO appreciate these words and those who speak them. Even those of you who have left genuinely heartfelt comments, I so appreciate you too!

In our Thursday night bible studies we've been going through the book of Revelation. Last night we sat outside by the fire pit and covered chapters 6 and 7 and there was a passage in chapter 7 that stood out to me. As I read it again today it brought me such a sense of comfort, but also of longing. Longing for the day when these wounds that we all carry around will be healed.

Revelation7: 13-17
Then one of the elders asked me, "These in white robes-who are they, and where did they come from?"
I answered, "Sir, you know."
And he said, "These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore,
they are before the throne of God
and serve him day and night in his temple;
and he who sits on the throne will 
spread his tent over them.
Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst.
The sun will not beat upon them,
nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne
will be their shepherd;
he will lead them to springs of living water.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."



16 comments:

grey rose (they/them) said...

thanks for being so honest and open. encouraging to me and i'm sure did you well too! press on, praying for you!!

Psalm 71:20-21
You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again.

marisa said...

We've got a lot to catch up on! I seriously know EXACTLY how you've been feeling lately. I've been avoiding facing some issues for a long time and I feel as if everything is coming to the surface now. I'm looking into finding a counselor soon. It just takes a lot of effort that I don't have.

Dani and I are working on finding a church and I know that'll help a lot too.

I know it's hard for you to open up, but if you need an ear then I'm here. You're in my thoughts and prayers daily.

Love you.

Unknown said...

My darling friend-I am so proud of you for posting this. It takes a lot of guts to admit depression. To really look it in the face.

I have so much more I could say, but I will do it in a more private circumstance.

I love you, I'm here for you, and I'm so proud of you.

Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed, and do not let anyone else make you feel that way.

By writing this you are helping yourself. You are helping others.
People like me, who has struggling with deep and enveloping depression for a lifetime.

It's such a gift to know you are not alone.

Much Love. So much.

.dear.jenny. said...

you are brave to be so honest and open. i think some times it takes a while to realize that you are sliding. not even to realize it but to accept it. and now you have. speaking from experience...day by day by day it gets better...BUT it takes work. hard work on yourself. great job for reaching out to the things and people and resources that will help you. chin up. its a great life out there and you see it through beautiful words and photos. remember this time a year from now and you will be proud of the journey you took. all the best of love.-megan

beca said...

This too shall pass.
Stay brave and take care of yourself.
I hope you start feeling better soon.
xo.

Anonymous said...

Andrea,
I don't know what you're facing, but whatever it is, know that it doesn't suprise the Lord. In Psalms it says that He is mindful of your frame. That He knows we are but dust. There are a series of verses in Matthew that the Lord always brings me back to in times of trouble or worry...those times when I start to focus on myself and the things happening around me instead of keeping my eyes on Him. Here they are spoken by the man himself... Matthew 6:25-34 " That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life - whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live rightheously, and he will give you everything you need. So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."
I hope that touches your heart.
Xoxoxo,
Jo

Diana Smith said...

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time! I had no idea. I feel like this sometimes too, just not want to do anything with my life, but somehow just keep plugging on! I do want you to know that i think you are SOOOO gorgeous! not just saying that!

Heather said...

I love your honesty that you share in your blog. I just wrote a post in mine that I wasn't sure if I wanted to post but this really made me feel a lot better about being honest and sharing what I'm really feeling.

I'm sorry you're going through this but I am glad that you're on a good path now. I struggle with depression as well (on and off). It's a really hard thing to deal with and pull yourself out of. It's also very hard to realize and admit to yourself that you actually are depressed.

Thank you for sharing and being so honest<3

Simple Life Journey said...

I so love to dwell in the hope I have in the Lord. Even when He feels so distant, He is near. I love reading the Psalms and being reminded how He holds me so close to Him. I pray that you will feel His presence, that He will heal your hurting heart, and that He will use what you have gone through for His glory. I pray you will find comfort in Him this very night.

Unknown said...

I took a break this weekend from blogger and facebook (except on my phone here or there), but as each of you commented on this post, I received the emails and read them all at different times throughout the weekend.

Every time I got an email of a comment notification and read the wonderful bible verses and encouraging words that you all extended to me, I felt more and more peace and comfort.

I'm so thankful that so many of you a) even read my blog, b) that you take the time to comment and encourage me along my journey, and c) that I could be inspiring and encouraging for some of you to open up as well.

I really can't thank you enough and tell you how much these comments have touched me and given me hope and peace.

I never give up hope that the Lord will help me through this as he has in the past time and time again and that I will come out of this stronger, wiser, more faithful and that he will use this for good.

But just knowing that I'm not alone and that there is such a great support of women out there is of great comfort to me. Some of you are friends, some of you I have met, and some of you I have not, but it doesn't make it any more or less meaningful to me.

Thank you all again for your encouragement and for the love you have extended to me. It certainly does not go unnoticed. I am so grateful <3

Anonymous said...

Oh wow...that takes so much...trust me...I just wrote a post on depression but days ago.
Precious girl, I seriously hear your heart.. I do.
And there is a light at the end of the tunnel but now and again it gets a little blury...but it's there friend.
It is.
I don't know you, but please trust me when I say I'm praying for you, and every gorgeous soul suffering with this cancer-like sickness.
x Stacey

cailen ascher said...

wow. what an honest and heartfelt post. i so admire your courage to share. it's completely inspiring to have someone open up like that...so few do.

it's wonderful that you admitted that you need help and are seeking it.

Megane said...

Thanks so much for your openness. I can totally relate. To the first part especially. I so repect your courage in being honest about what you're going through. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable to others. it's so uncomfortable... and feels unsafe.

hope you're feeling a bit better. praying for you! chin up sister.

Unknown said...

I haven't read through these comments, so this will probably be redundant, but I figured I'd share some love, too.

Remember that the Savior has covered all of this. Not only has he atoned for our sins, but he will take those burdens from you if you let him. You just need to take that step. Trust in the Lord. Let Him take it. Just do it.

It's hard. My husband has had to pound this into my head.

But He is always there for you and I think you know that.

Most of all, you are loved. You are a divine daughter of God and he put you here for a divine purpose. You are unique. And again, oh so loved.

Emily said...

I'm not exactly sure what the etiquette is for posting on past blog posts, but I just want to say thank you for writing this. My husband struggles with depression, and sometimes I don't know what to tell him. "It will be alright" gets sort of old. It's hard to talk about these struggles, mostly because people don't usually understand. Things like this are often written off as people being "dramatic" or "self-centered" but if you've really experienced it, it is so much more debilitating and difficult. Thank you for having the courage to talk about this. It's given me another perspective, helped me know that we aren't alone in what feels like such a hopeless place. Your Heavenly Father loves you, is mindful of you, and helps you always. All my love to you and your husband.

Unknown said...

I just want to reiterate how incredibly loved I feel by this blog community we belong to. Most of the time when I write for my blog I just feel as though I'm writing it just for myself, but after reading all of these precious words of encouragement and faith, I realize that there are so many of us who can relate and connect.

Thank you all so much.

It's like Emily said about some people thinking that depression is an excuse for people to be dramatic or self-centered, but I believe for the most part it's not something that you can just snap out of.

Yes the Lord can deliver us from our pain, but I also believe that as followers of Christ, we weren't promised smooth sails. As much as I rely on him and his Word to bring me much needed comfort and hope, I can always learn and grow in Him through my pain.

I really can't thank you all enough for not only reading my blog, but for letting me know that you do and that you care. It means so much to me <3