Yeah, well, outlook not so good.
Honesty time: This week has been hard for me. I'm not sure if it's because I've just been really tired and getting things done around here has been monumentally more difficult than usual or if it's just that I've been easily distracted or if it's because I'm just lazy or what.
But, I'm having a hard week. Every morning I write my to-do list for the day and by the end of the day only half of it is crossed out. My house is a mess (thanks to the business of going away for two weekends in a row) and every time I clean it a little (i.e. dishes) I make dinner and the dishes just pile back up. I mean, even the little things like replying to an email or writing a thank you note or printing something out has become a huge chore to me.
Is it really (no, it's not) or am I making it huge in my head (most likely, yes)?
and when I say broke down, I mean a lot of sobbing, snot flowing, having difficulty breathing, on the brink of a panic attack (I had my first panic attack soon after my grandfather died back in 2003 and ever since then if something traumatic or difficult comes up in my life, or even a highly stressful isolated incident, my panic attacks rear their ugly heads).
Fortunately I stopped myself before the panic could fully take over.
David was amazing. Not only did he calm down, but he helped me calm down, got me water, rubbed my back and prayed for me... and for him to be able to understand and have patience with my pain.
I'm normally a very private person and I don't let people know when things are rocky, but I'm realizing that when I need help, I need to ask. I need to talk about it. I need to get it out and not let it fester and bottle up.
Remember this post?
Well my pain and frustration and anger has certainly stemmed from that. There is a lot more that hasn't been talked about here that has to do with this very topic and even though it's not a secret anymore, I just haven't wanted to go there. I haven't wanted to talk about it.
I'm realizing, though, that I need to.
I making another long overdue appointment with one of the pastors at my church so we can talk about it. Last time I saw him he gave me an assignment that took me (literally) months to get to.
Can we say avoiding it much??
I basically had to write down how angry I am, where it's spilling out, how has it made me act/react, what is the hurt that underlies those responses and what is the unmet need or expectation underneath that.
Last night after I snapped at Dave unnecessarily and cried a little I started writing about the root of the problem and that's when I realized it. That's when the tears started flowing. That's when I figured out AGAIN that I'm focusing my anger and pain on totally unrelated situations.
And that I need to STOP.
I keep saying and believing that I don't want to keep giving the dead power, that I don't want to hold on to this bitterness, that I don't want to keep on hating, that I want to be able to forgive, but I just don't know how. I can forgive my "best friend" who had hurt me deeply over the course of a couple of years and doesn't even want to realize or apologize for it and probably never will. I can forgive my lifelong friend who betrayed me and my family and who said such evil and awful lies with such self-righteousness and arrogance. I can forgive the pain of my past and I can move on when it comes to all of that, but why can't I forgive this man? Why is it so difficult for me to even begin to think about how evil and deceitful he was to the core? Why is it so infinitely harder for me to let go of this? To let go of all the anger and hate I've subconsciously held in and harbored for over a decade?
Where do I begin? What's my first step?
After discussing all of this through my sobs and short breaths, and after David prayed for me and for him, I pulled myself together, blew my nose and started dinner.
After a few minutes Dave showed me something he found on his iPad Bible app and it said this:
"Not all anger is sin. In fact, you have the right to be angry about what God is angry about. It is called righteous anger. You have the right to be this way until the sun goes down. You will really need to search your heart to figure out the source of your anger. Whether you bottle up your anger or blow up with your anger, both forms are just as dangerous. You probably already know this, but misguided anger doesn't do any good for you or the people around you. It's time to let God replace your anger with love."
Romans 1:18 "For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hinder the truth in unrighteousness."
I mean, after that I just had no words. Why is this such a revelation? Why is this something that I couldn't wrap my mind around before?
I feel like everything that has been happening in the last couple of months has lead me to this point. All of the Bible passages, all of the messages at church, all of the Bible studies, all of the times that God spoke to me in one way or another leading me to open up more to the Holy Spirit. I need to just LET God. Allow him to work in me. Obviously I can't do it. Obviously I need help and I can't do it alone.
Back to the errands and the messy house and the to-do lists that pile up. I think I figured out that in all of this I'm possibly dealing with some depression issues and that though the past two weekends have been amazing and relaxing and have really opened me up to these things, I'm exhausted.
I am physically and emotionally drained.
I am hoping that this weekend can be a time for me to just start to feel better. For our one year anniversary on the 13th, David and I are going to be spending a couple of nights at the Biltmore in LA where we got married. I am really looking forward to it. I think it'll be bittersweet to go back and remember the best day of our lives and remember the best parts of the last year. This year has been tough, it's been emotional and painful and heartbreaking, but I know that without David in my life and as my husband, it would have been unbearable.
I am so thankful that I have him. Though I really wish that all of the pain that this year brought wasn't the same year that Dave and I were married, I'm wondering if it was just meant to be. I'm thinking that God just knew that having all of the happiness of our wedding and our new marriage would help us get through this.
I don't know what the second year of our marriage will hold, but I'm hoping that no matter what it is, we'll grow even closer, that our bond will become even stronger.