get with the program

i spent last night going over my checklist for what i need in order to send in my application to USC in time for the priority deadline (which is this coming Saturday) and i almost had a heart attack.

it's my own fault for just now realizing the deadline date was not what i had thought it was. for some reason this whole time i've been enjoying the holidays i had it in my head that the priority deadline wasn't until next week, even though i had it all written down (maybe because all the other grad programs i'm applying to have much later deadlines). so when i sat down yesterday to begin compiling a checklist/timeline and to revise/ re-write my statement of purpose essay, i realized that i let myself get even later in the game and possibly made my chances of getting into USC even slimmer. therefore, i spent the whole night rushing around getting crap organized (i.e. rush transcripts, statement of purpose essay, letters of recommendation, headshot, resume, etc.)

i have to realize that i just need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. i'm going to do whatever i can to get it all sent by Thursday, even Friday at the latest, but it's not looking good. i'm even considering hand delivering it if i have everything i need by Friday... which is doubtful. it's not as though i can't still apply, it just won't be before the priority deadline, and that really bums me out.

*bang head against wall repeatedly because it's all my fault*

i'm the queen of procrastination. i just am. it's frustrating and stressful and i hate it, yet i can't seem to conquer it. why is that??

fear?

for some, fear is fuel. for me, it's paralysis... and apparently procrastination.

i keep reminding myself that there's only a slight chance that i will get accepted into an MFA in Acting (Master of Fine Arts) program so that my hopes aren't raised so high that when i'm not attending school this Fall i'll be exceedingly disappointed.

but then that leads to serious self-doubt:
i'm not good enough
i'll botch my audition
i'll write the wrong thing in my statement of purpose essay
i might not have the look they're going for this season
i'm getting older and this only comes once every year (or two)
my chances are really slim
the odds are against me
i feel ready, but am i?

it's a cycle. a vicious, heinous cycle, i tell you!

repeat after me, andrea: "don't be afraid to fail... don't be afraid to fail... don't be afraid to fail..."
thankfully USC isn't the only program i'm planning to apply to/audition for.

see?
silver lining.

...right?

whatever the outcome, acceptance into an MFA program or not, i know that there's a plan. He won't leave me hanging...
as long as i don't leave me hanging.

bring on the cheese...

{photo by Noel Hadley, cartoonified by me}