get with the program

i spent last night going over my checklist for what i need in order to send in my application to USC in time for the priority deadline (which is this coming Saturday) and i almost had a heart attack.

it's my own fault for just now realizing the deadline date was not what i had thought it was. for some reason this whole time i've been enjoying the holidays i had it in my head that the priority deadline wasn't until next week, even though i had it all written down (maybe because all the other grad programs i'm applying to have much later deadlines). so when i sat down yesterday to begin compiling a checklist/timeline and to revise/ re-write my statement of purpose essay, i realized that i let myself get even later in the game and possibly made my chances of getting into USC even slimmer. therefore, i spent the whole night rushing around getting crap organized (i.e. rush transcripts, statement of purpose essay, letters of recommendation, headshot, resume, etc.)

i have to realize that i just need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. i'm going to do whatever i can to get it all sent by Thursday, even Friday at the latest, but it's not looking good. i'm even considering hand delivering it if i have everything i need by Friday... which is doubtful. it's not as though i can't still apply, it just won't be before the priority deadline, and that really bums me out.

*bang head against wall repeatedly because it's all my fault*

i'm the queen of procrastination. i just am. it's frustrating and stressful and i hate it, yet i can't seem to conquer it. why is that??

fear?

for some, fear is fuel. for me, it's paralysis... and apparently procrastination.

i keep reminding myself that there's only a slight chance that i will get accepted into an MFA in Acting (Master of Fine Arts) program so that my hopes aren't raised so high that when i'm not attending school this Fall i'll be exceedingly disappointed.

but then that leads to serious self-doubt:
i'm not good enough
i'll botch my audition
i'll write the wrong thing in my statement of purpose essay
i might not have the look they're going for this season
i'm getting older and this only comes once every year (or two)
my chances are really slim
the odds are against me
i feel ready, but am i?

it's a cycle. a vicious, heinous cycle, i tell you!

repeat after me, andrea: "don't be afraid to fail... don't be afraid to fail... don't be afraid to fail..."
thankfully USC isn't the only program i'm planning to apply to/audition for.

see?
silver lining.

...right?

whatever the outcome, acceptance into an MFA program or not, i know that there's a plan. He won't leave me hanging...
as long as i don't leave me hanging.

bring on the cheese...

{photo by Noel Hadley, cartoonified by me}

crazy christmas

I can't believe it's almost Christmas. I'M NOT READY!
I haven't had the time to Christmas shop. I'm supposed to go over to Lauren's house to wrap presents with her tomorrow, but I have no presents to wrap yet.

I've just been so busy that I haven't had the time to shop AND I'm avoiding crowds like the plague. I hate crowds. I feel like that big guy in that Christmas commercial who's shopping with his mom at a crowded store and someone bumps into him when his mom says, "Let it go!" and he yells, "But everyone's bumping into me!!!" - that guy is totally me. I tried looking up that commercial on youtube but apparently it's not there. I laugh every time it's on tv.

This past weekend I basically moved all of my Christmas decorations over to our church to decorate for the Christmas party. It was an 8 hour day (thanks to Chanell, Lauren and Noel for all your help!) and then after the party was done we took it all down. On Sunday I redecorated my house. Oh and did I mention that I baked apple pie (which won the bake off in it's category!), jam crumb bars and chocolate cupcakes with buttercream frosting for the party? Yup.

Oh and I also memorized a monologue from Twelfth Night...
and worked on the dialect for my second monologue. If you don't get the famous deep southern drawl right for a Tennessee Williams play (in this case Summer and Smoke), then it's useless to even do the monologue at all. I've spent hours on both monologues. By the end of today I'll have spent close to 5 hours since this morning on them both. I have no idea how many hours I put into it this weekend. Tomorrow I'm going over to Sue's house so she can coach me on the monologues and I have to say I'm pretty nervous. I've worked with Sue many times, but the thought of anyone coaching me on audition pieces scares the crap out of me. I hate auditions (let's face it, who doesn't?). I really don't know how I've gotten any roles because I'm so bad at them... oh wait, I know why. Because most of the plays I've been cast in were only because the director knew he/she would cast me anyway, so it didn't matter if my monologue sucked or if I even delivered one. In fact, for my audition piece that was to get the part of my favorite character to date, I completely blanked half way into it. I just stared into space, then said, "I'm sorry, I can't remember a thing." and then the director said, "I'll see you at callbacks." I only got that part because of my appearance at the time and because the director (Sue) knew what I was capable of and that I could play that part. Thank God or I would have been so sad to not get that role.

But I digress.

I know the Twelfth Night monologue. I have it word perfect, but I'll bet you a dollar to a donut that tomorrow when Sue starts working with me on it I'm going to totally blank. I don't know what happens to me, I just freeze up. Auditioning is this weird thing that (I personally feel) does, in no way, show a director or casting agent what I'm capable of. Get me into the rehearsal process, give me direction and a little time to do my research and I'm good to go, but throw me in a room with a panel of people staring at me and I crumble.

This is the sole reason why I chickened out last year and didn't do any of my grad school applications and auditions. I told myself I wasn't ready, but really it was because I was terrified of that imaginary panel of people. This year, I'm forcing myself to take it step by step until I get to that day when I have to stand in front of all those judgmental orbs and pour my heart out... or stand there staring blankly into space.

And I've been one of those judgmental orbs! I've cast or helped cast shows before and I know that it's nothing personal. Everyone's just looking for the right type... but still it terrifies me.

Wow, that was quite a tangent. I wasn't planning on this post going in that direction, but whatever.

~~~

Anyway, what I meant to write about was how I've been too busy to shop and too busy to blog lately. So since I skipped Monday's WW post, I shall publish it here on this post.

{Week Five}

- 1.4 lbs

Change since week one: - 4.6 lbs

Change since 2006: - 34.6 lbs

I lost this week! I'm so happy that my low carb/low sugar intake is really working. Granted, I did pig out on desserts this past weekend at the party and the next day (hello carb and sugar heaven), so I won't be surprised if this week isn't so successful. This week and next I'm weighing in on Saturdays instead of Sundays because all of the holidays and parties are falling on Saturday and Sunday. It'll just give me a bit of an edge. By the first of the year I'll be back to weighing in on Sundays.

I'm really finding that lowering my carb and sugar intake is really a lot easier than I imagined it would be. If I ever have a hankering or want to cheat, I just remember that on my weigh in days I can indulge and that seems to help me feel less deprived. There are definitely weeks when I want that cupcake or even something as silly as a marshmallow and I go for it, but that's okay. Just as long as I stay in moderation I'll be good.

Even if next week's weigh in isn't so good, I'm not giving up. I'll get right back on the horse, and if it is okay, then all the merrier.